Posts Tagged ‘ Pop Culture ’

Young People Scare Me

Today Beloit College released their Beliot College Mindset List for college grads in 2014. If you’re not familiar with the list, it’s basically crap that kids these days have or have not been familiar with during their lives based on their age.

Some of them make me cringe, others are dumb. But all told, it’s scary that some of them are probably very, very true.

Below is their list, found here.

Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992.

For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead.

1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.

2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.

3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”

4. Al Gore has always been animated.

5. Los Angelinos have always been trying to get along.

6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.

7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.

8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.

9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.

10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.

11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.

12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.

13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.

14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.

15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.

16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.

17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.

18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.

19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.

20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.

21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.

22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.

23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.

24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.

25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.

26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.

27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.

28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.

29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.

30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.

31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum.

32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.

33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.

34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always been an alternative to hospitals.

35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.

36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.

37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”

38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.

39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.

40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.

41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam.

42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.

43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.

44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.

45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.

46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.

47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.

48. Someone has always gotten married in space.

49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.

50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.

51.  Food has always been irradiated.

52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.

53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he? 

54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.

55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.

56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.

57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife. 

58. Beethoven has always been a dog.

59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.

60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.

61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.

62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine. 

63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.

64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.

65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.

66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.

67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.

68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.

69. The Post Office has always been going broke.

70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.

71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.

72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.

73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.

74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi Channel.

75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

Feel free to click the Share Buttons below so you can make someone else feel as old as you feel right now.


101 Reasons to Love the 1990′s (20-1)

So we’ve made it to the final portion of the 101 reasons to love the 1990’s! Again, this really isn’t in any particular order…

20. The Wonderbra was reintroduced in 1994, lying to every boy in junior and high school.

I'm tellin' you, Charlies are everywhere!

19. The Crow. Nuff said.

18. Meg Ryan was still human.

17. MTV still played music videos. In return, music videos didn’t cost millions upon millions of dollars to make. They were shit. And they were good.

16. Cell phones began to look like they couldn’t call in an airstrike.

15. Comet Shoemaker Levy hit Jupiter in 1994, giving a spectacle to astonomers all over the place. I only know that because I watched the science channel last week.


14. 10-10-220 commercials. If you don’t know what those are, be very, very thankful.

13. Korn’s first three albums dropped in the 1990’s, causing needless confusion between a vegetable and a gutteral rock band.

12. The Fifth Element was released in 1997. Leeloo’s full name? Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat

11. Andy Dufresne taught us that if you’re going to be wrongfully imprisoned, ask Morgan Freeman for a Rita Hayworth poster.

10. Jacob Dylan proved that, while he could sing better than his dad, he couldn’t write more than two decent songs.

'Cause when a girl walks in...

9. Hip Hop took a turn for the silly in the early 90’s. Groups like Sir Mix-A-Lot and The Fresh Prince made hip hop not only fun, but anatomically educational.

8. Iconic shows in the 90’s ruled the world like Dinosaurs, Step by Step, Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Full House, News Radio, Just Shoot Me, The Kids in the Hall, MST3000, Married… With Children, Seinfeld, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Fresh Prince, Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, Mad About You, Ellen, Saved by the Bell, and Roseanne. But no one can erase the memory of Blossom. So I aopologize for that show.

7. All someone had to do to become a famous rock star was grow their hair long, never wash it, and scream. Nowadays they make you put a little effort into your messy hair, but hey, talent isn’t a requirement.

Shaw, right. And monkey might fly out my butt.

6. Wayne’s World. Party on.

5. The reintroduction of the VW Beetle in the late 90’s, and it still looks dumb.

4. Counting down in 1999 everything that was going to be “the last time I __________ in this millenium.” (Followed by things like, “Man, I haven’t taken a dump since the last millenium!” Terrible.)

3. All of the movies of the 1990’s like PCU could beat up movies from the 2000’s like Van Wilder: Freshman Year any day. Except for House Party 2 and Godzilla.

2. Parachute pants: because you never know when you’ll be sucked out of an airplane without an actual parachute and you wanna live to see another horribly dressed day.

1. Rock music was actually good. After suffering through the 80’s glam crap that made everyone’s ears bleed, it was nice to have actual good music. Some of the best music to come from the rock genre were written during that time, but then, some of the worst music (I’m looking at you Bjork) also came out.

Well that’s it! Thanks for taking that trip down memory lane with me! Again, I’d love to hear some of your favorite, or worst, memories from the 1990’s. Feel free to repost on facebook or twitter…

Henry. Out.

101 Reasons to Love the 1990′s (40-21)

Further down the spiral (see what I did there?) of the 101 reasons to love the 1990’s.

40. The Blair Witch Project needlessly scared the shit out of everyone. Close ups of snot bubbles will do that.

39. Tom Cochran told us that “Life is a Highway” and that he wanted to “Ride it all night long.” I just wanted to type out “ride it all night long.”

38. Dolly the sheep was the worlds first recognized cloned mammal. So they can give old men hard-ons and they can clone sheep, but they can’t make me live forever?

Is that an iceberg in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

37. Women everywhere swooned over Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. Men cheered when the friggin’ ship finally sunk. At least Kate Winslet showed her boobs, otherwise it was a waste of 6 hours of my life.

36. M.C. Hammer told us not to touch his shit. I bet he wishes he hadn’t said that now, because I don’t think anyone’s touched his shit in 15 years now.

35. Construction started in 1998 of the Internation Space Station. Upset astronauts discovered it doesn’t serve pancakes.

I wish I was still so money...

34. Nirvana essentially changed the face of music as we knew it. Too bad that birthed Bush, who in turn gave us Nickelback.

33. Chris Farley and David Spade made fifty movies together, every single one of them indistinguishable from the others.

32. Swing music and dancing made a huge comeback, even featured in movies like “The Mask” and “Swingers.” I admit that I still think it was awesome and listen to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and the Squirrel Nut Zippers, but damnit I can’t dance to save my life.

31. And speaking of dancing, “Achy Breaky Heart” came out in the 90’s, before Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter took over the world one tweeny girl at a time.

Life is like a good hooker. It sucks til you die.

30. Forest Gump ruined the life of any girl named Jennifer.

29. Ween’s song “Push Th’ Little Daisies” came out. Confused people everywhere still listened to it.

28. Bill Clinton played the sax. It was cool.

27. Jurassic Park made us believe that Steven Spielberg could actually train dinosaurs to act. When asked how he did it he responded, “Easy, the same way we got Oprah to play the titular character in E.T. … candy.”

26. Lindsay Lohan wasn’t constantly in the news or in prison. That we know of.

25. Baywatch confirmed that slow motion + girls runningin swim suits = awesome.

I'm a bad ass "G" and I can kick your ass. Word to your mother.

24. Doom, made by id Software, was released and made us all a little sick to our stomachs, but not in the same way the movie version of Doom did.

23. Vanilla Ice rapped his way into the hearts of every American and then some. Then we all realized he sucked.

22. Baseball cards became very popluar again, the first time since the golden age of baseball. Coincidentally, the bubble gum in each pack of cards was made during the golden age of baseball.

21. Bo Jackson apparently knew everything. No one disagreed.

The last bit of the 101 reasons to love the 1990’s is just around the corner! Stay tuned!

101 Reasons to Love the 1990′s (60-41)

Continuing with the countdown. Again, this isn’t really in any particular order. So suck it.

60. Waco, TX became known as “Wack-O, TX” because of David Koresh and his Branch Davidians in 1993.

59. Saturday Night Live was funny on purpose.

We all laugh, but he gets to sleep with Mila Kunis. Asshole.

58. “Home Alone” was one of the biggest family movies of all time, and every boy wanted his family to disappear over Christmas so he could thwart a midget and a dumb-ass from breaking into their home, too.

57. Pearl Jam’s first album, Ten, was released, correctly predicting the number of good songs they would write in the next twenty years.

56. Austin Powers shagged his way into everyday lingo, baby. Yeah.

55. Everyone liked Steve Urkel. Black, White, Asian, Mexican- everyone. But real life nerds lacked his “Cool Juice” and “Boss Sauce” so they couldn’t make a cooler clone to win over their pretty neighbors.

54. Michael Jackson was still alive and kickin’, and his music had improved a little. But it still sucked.

53. AOL sent out millions of disks with free hours of internet access. Many were used as coasters because, let’s face it, the internet is the devil.

Damnit, who keeps paging me from 531-8008?!?

52. Denis Leary released “No Cure for Cancer.” That dude is still alive and making fun of people. I gotta meet his doctor.

51. The Doors biopic by Oliver Stone is released on the 20th anniversary of Jim Morrison’s supposed death. That was about the only thing he got right. 

50. The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time is released and hailed, even to this day, as one of the best video games ever created. Having spent countless hours playing that game personally, I can attest to its awesomeness.

49. Ross Perot. That writes its own jokes.

48. Dana Carvey had a career.

47. Baggy jeans were where it was at. The baggier the jeans, the cooler. If you looked like you could easily smuggle people into the country then you were doing it right.

Nothing says 12th century England like a Bryan Adams soundtrack.

46. Alice in Chains released “Dirt,” one of the most complete albums of the 1990’s.

45. “Hey, you gotta quarter?” “Yeah, why?” “Oh, I just got a page and I gotta call the number back to see what they want.” “Sweet. Nobody pages me except my mom.”

44. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves ended up being funnier than Robin Hood: Men in Tights, but not on purpose.

43. The first MP3 player was introduced in 1998 and had 32Mb of memory, expandible to 64Mb. Nowadays we can store all of our Spice Girls albums on our 32Gb iPods.

42. DVD’s came out to the market, costing an average of about $30 per movie. Lucklily companies made the dual video cassette/DVD players for those with huge porn collections that didn’t want to upgrade.

41. Everyone learned the Macarena. It was even taught in schools. What the hell, America?

OK, so I’m releasing these lists sooner than once per day, but I wanted to get them out there. So suck it.

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